Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
try to milk me bitch
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
