I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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