He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
