Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
