I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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