o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
