he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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