Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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