Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
