this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
