This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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