so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
