o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.