Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
