nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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