I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
