The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
