I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You smell like stripper and shame
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
