I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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