I just cut my nipple shaving
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
