Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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