he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
