I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
