Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
