if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
