My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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