WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
another moral hangover. fuck.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
