Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
