i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
