we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
