I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
