I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
