i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
