I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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