we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
