So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
