listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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