Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
