a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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