My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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