I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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