i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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