Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
