Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Panties = found
Come on in and take your pants off
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