You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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