I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
