I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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