put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
