I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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