If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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