I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
