my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
