Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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