I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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