Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
