Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
it's great music for shaving your balls
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
