never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
