I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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