My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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