I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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