He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
