Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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